family

hey blogees.

i recntly found out that my unce has prostate cancer and it has developed, but we are hopeful that it was caught early enough so that his treatement will work and he will recover.

but in response to this news, i responded as most would imagine i would...by crying my eyes out and wondering why it had to by my uncle. He is a nice man, and family is important to him, and he's always been there for me and my immediate family whenever we needed anyhing at all. He is the oldest son in my Dad's family.  He has four kids, and is a new grandpa, and i wondered about why is it that when life seems to be going good, and you are happy, that it decides to flip that all on its head.  when my mother told me the news over the phone i went numb...my earlier complaints to her over having a cold seemed superficial and stupid.  a few of my friends have lost loved ones to cancer, and i kept thinking about them, and even though it was a different type of cancer, the idea still scared the shit out of me. Cancer is an ugly word, apt for the ugly disease it describes.

I am angry too. for many reasons, i'm angry at myself for some things i said to my uncle that were perhaps not the kindest, and i regret every mean word i said to him or anyone else about him. I'm angry at the world, for allowing this to happen, and i guess God too, if he is out there. I'm angry at my uncle's doctor. Apparently my uncle's levels had been up for awhile, meaning he had the cancer for awhile, but the doctor did nothing about it until this summer, when he was diagnosed, and this allowed the cancer to develop more.  it terrifies me. i couldn't imagine my life without my uncle, or for that matter anyone in my family.

My grandma is 87 years old. she is a sweet old lady, and has had a tough life, loosing my grandpa when she was about 57. her kids and grandkids are her life, and she loves us and we love her very much. my uncle didn't tell her yet, and i undersand why. she would be upset, perhaps more than the rest of us. she is old and the fear is that she wouldn't be able to handle the news....there is nothing she can do. and that would be hard for granny, she has done everything for herself, her entire life. to be helpless in this case would kill her, especially when her son is in trouble.

I think the helplessness i feel is the worst. i know that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i cry or how loud i scream, that it won't help...i can just let him know i love him, and remain positive for his sake. but for the last nine days since i found out, i've cried myself to sleep.

I love you uncle Paul, you are an amazing man and you are strong enough and stuborn enough (a family trait) to pull through this.

i am an optomist i truely believe that my uncle will pull through and our entire family will be stronger after the experience. I would like to dedicate this post to my family. every single cousin, and aunt, and my friends who i consider more family than anyhting else.

i love you all dearly and you have helped shape my life into what it is, and i wouldn't replace one of you, i would change nothing about any of you.

LOVE ALWAYS,
xoxoxoxo Becca