Hello Readers, if you still exist. I wouldn't blame you for leaving me as I have abandoned you, especially recently. However, now that it is summer break i plan on posting and updating my blog and expressing my thoughts over this forum.
The topic on the discussion board for today, is how old I feel. For new readers, or those who don't know much about me, I will be turning 20 in July. This fact scares me shitless. I don't know why I believe it is such a big deal, but I believe it is. I feel old, being alive for two decades. I tell my 88 year old grandmother this and she laughs at me, which i fully deserve. I think the part that bothers me the most is loosing the "teen" title after my age. I technically became an adult when I turned 18, but the "teen" was still there so it wasn't serious, or really legitimate. However, now that I will be turning 20 that suffix won't be attached to my age anymore. I feel as though I am losing a part of my life, and closing a chapter of it that I am not quite ready to let go of, (thank goodness I still have a few months to go). I feel as though I will be losing the semi carefree nature of my life, and some youth and exuberance. Shit gets serious after 20. Some twenty year-olds are done school and start entering the workforce, another scary fact. Thank god that I still have plenty more years of schooling ahead of me.
Another thing that makes me feel old is that some of my friends are getting married. Married at 20, I don't know if it is just me, but I am in no way, shape or form to be ready for that kind of commitment right at this point in my life. Last year my friend Kelsey got married, and now has a baby, and as of a few days ago my friend Katherine is married as well. Both Kelsey and Katherine are happy with their choices, and I couldn't be happier for them...but I know that life is not for me. I feel as though I am still finding myself and I really don't think I could do that will a permanent attachment to me (I know people will tell me that divorce is always an option, but I only plan on getting married once, and staying that way...call me old-fashioned if you want). I just feel that these girls are rushing things a little bit, they are 20 and 21, still have plenty of time for husbands and babies. It makes me feel kinda like an old spinster. Single me, working away at school, nowhere close to being married and scared shitless at the thought of children especially birthing children. It kind of feels like my biological clock has been ticking faster lately, and I know that it really isn't. I realize that everyone is different, but I can't help comparing my life to theirs and I can't honestly tell you who's life is better. All of us would have different opinions and each of our lives would have negative and positive features. Regardless of that, the fact that my two friends are married makes me feel like an old spinster...at 19 and 10/12 years of age.
My two friends are done college now, and will be starting working in their fields, and I feel as though I am still a child. Going to school everyday, complaining about the amount of homework I have, and school related things, while they are working in their fields, already having completed their school. I realize that my program and aspirations will take longer to achieve, but I don't come here to talk logic, I'm here to babble on about my insane thoughts. I feel as though my daily routine isn't as serious as theirs and therefore less adult, and I feel as though I should be more adult...which I physically cannot be. This scares me because I feel like I am losing touch with my peers, people from my own generation and upbringing. It is sort of an alienating feeling really, knowing that I can't relate to the pressures of married life, or of legitimate employment beyond that of a part time job. This time is scary, a time of significant change for everyone my age, and I know I am not the only one dreading their upcoming birthday. I feel like life is slipping away, (which sounds like something an older person would say but it is true) and because of this I feel OLD.
Thanks for reading my rant, and I logically realize that I am still a spring chicken, but sometimes I do not feel it. I hope you all are doing well.
P.S. I would like to again congratulate Kelsey and Katherine on their marriages, and wish both couples a life full of love.
XOXOXO Becca
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